Attack on Cartman
by FunnelVortex
Summary: The people of South Park have had it with Eric Cartman and get rid of him for good! However, it comes back around to bite them in the ass before eating them alive.


It was a regular day in the little quiet backwater mountain town of South Park located in the valley of Park County, Colorado. The three boys: Kyle, Stan, and Kenny were lined up at the bus stop awaiting the school bus that would transport them to school at South Park Elementary. Kyle and Stan looked in both directions of the road.

"Dude, where the hell is Cartman?" Stan asked.

"How should I know?" Kyle stated, "For all we know he's probably come up with some stupid scheme to make 10 million dollars again. And then he is going to come running up to us saying 'hey guys, you won't believe it!'"

Kenny told a joke relating to the situation. His muffled words were hardly distinguishable, but Kyle and Stan understood him. The boys laughed at Kenny's joke.

In the middle of their laughter, Eric Cartman ran up to the guys at the bus stop. Cartman's lard jiggled as he came to a stop. "Hey guys," Cartman said, "you won't believe it!"

"See, I told ya," Kyle told Stan.

"I came up with the perfect plant to make," said Cartman before taking a long dramatic pause, "10 million dollars!"

"I double told ya!" Kyle again told Stan.

"I guess you did, dude" said Stan. Stan turned his attention to Cartman. "What is your plan this time, fatass?!"

Kyle joined in with his friend. "Yeah, fatass! What is it this time?"

"Alright guys," said Cartman, "You know how coffee mugs cost like 5 bucks each?"

"Yeah?" said Kyle, preparing for the stupidity that would follow.

"So, my uncle sent me a couple hundred thousand remote-detonated cherry bombs in the mail as an early Christmas present," said Cartman as he held out a few cherry bombs in his mitten, "I am going to put these cherry bombs in every coffee mug within a couple hundred mile radius and blow them all sky high! And then once all coffee mugs are destroyed, everyone will need new ones. So I will open my own pottery and everyone will have to buy their mugs from me! And do the math, it will be total to... 10 million dollars."

Cartman looked at the guys with hope. Stan and Kyle looked at each other in shock. Kenny shifted his eyes. Stan tried to speak but couldn't. Stan was struggling to find his speech, Kyle decided to speak up for his friend.

"You are a fucking dumbass, Cartman!" said Kyle, "This has got to be the stupidest one you've came up with yet!"

Kyle went over to hold Stan who was still trembling and struggling to find his speech. Kyle looked furious. "Now see what you did, Cartman!? What you said was so stupid that poor Stan doesn't even know what to say anymore! Screw you!"

Cartman could hear Kenny's muffled angry voice. Despite being muffled, Kenny's words could still be made out as "Yeah, screw you Cartman!"

"Come on Stan," said Kyle as he walked Stan away from the bus stop. Kenny followed.

"Wait, where are you guys going?" asked Cartman.

"Away from you, Fatass!" said Kyle, "We are walking to school today!"

"Well fine!" said Cartman, "And I will just take the bus! And when I get 10 million dollars, you will not get any of it! You two and all of South Park will bow before my superior intellect! You'll see!"

Cartman looked around the empty area. A random tumbleweed rolled by. "You will all see!" Cartman shouted to the heavens, "Even you, God! Everyone will see!"

School started a while later. Everyone except for Stan, Kenny, and Kyle were gathered in the 4th grade classroom. Mr. Garrison was sketching algebra problems on the black board with one hand while holding Mr. Hat in the other. "Now Kyle," said Mr. Garrison, "Can you tell me the answer to 12+15(5-3)?"

Not hearing a response from the absent Kyle, Mr. Garrison grew frustrated. "Kyle, again, what is the answer to 12+15(5-3)? Kyle? KYLE!?"

"Kyle isn't here you idiot!" shouted Cartman.

Mr. Garrison snapped back at Cartman, "You watch your language young man, or you are heading down to the principal's office!"

Mr. Garrison then realized the three boys were indeed missing. "Say, where are Stan, Kyle, and Kenny anyways?"

The classroom door opened and in walked the three boys. "We are here, Mr. Garrison!" said Kyle. Kenny took a seat. Kyle helped Stan over to his desk.

"What is wrong with Stan, and why are you boys so late!?" Mr. Garrison asked.

"It was Cartman, as usual," said Kyle.

"Hey, shut up Jew!" screamed Cartman.

"No, you shut up!" said Kyle.

"Boys!" said Mr. Garrison, "Sit down and shut up! And as for you, Eric, for your interruptions in class, maybe YOU can answer this question. What is 12+15(5-3)?"

Kyle obeyed, but Cartman continued to make a fuss.

"But Mr. Garrison!" Cartman whined, "I need to go to the bathroom!"

Mr. Garrison rolled his eyes, "Do not do this to me, Eric!"

"But Mr. Garriiissssooooonnn!" Cartman continued to whine while turning on the waterworks, "I neeeed to goooo toooo theeee baaaathhrrroooommm nooooowwww!"

"Oh alright, Eric!" said Mr. Garrison, "You can go to the bathroom after you tell me 12+15(5-3)!"

"Alright," said Cartman, "12+15(5-3). Okay, I said it, can I go now?"

"No! I mean _answer_ the question, damnit!"

"Oh! You mean what 12+15(5-3) becomes! Uh, well, um. Lets see. 12+15... carry the 1..."

"You don't carry the number in addition and multiplication problems, Cartman!" said Kyle, "God, you are even stupider than I thought!"

"Hey! I'm not dumb!" said Cartman. The fat boy thought about the equation long and hard, but eventually gave up and guessed and answer. "42?" he asked.

"Now that was just a lucky guess!" said Mr. Garrison.

"Yippee!" Cartman danced around in joy, "Now can I go? Plleeeeeaaaaaassssseeee?"

Mr Garrison was getting annoyed. At this point he was more concerned about getting Cartman to shut up. He sighed and glided his hand down his face. "Yes! You can go!" he finally said, "But be back in 5 minutes! No more! And remember to take a pass!"

"Sure thing, Mr. Garrison," said Cartman, "5 minutes is all I need!"

Eric Cartman walked through the hallways of South Park elementary. He mischievously whistled and reached into his pockets. He sneaked past students and faculty staff and quietly made his way inside the teachers lounge. Once inside he pulled out his remote detonated cherry bombs and dropped one each into a coffee mug. He backed away laughing quietly.

"That is the last of them" Cartman said while rubbing his hands, "My plan is almost complete."

Later at lunch the children were sitting at their usual lunch tables. And as usual, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Stan were sitting together. Cartman of course had four whole servings and was shoving them in his mouth like a pig. Stan's trembling had ceased, but he still had trouble speaking and kept a blank look on his face.

"Are you doing better, Stan?" Kyle asked.

"Ye-yes," said Stan retaining a blank stare, "I thi-I think so."

"You will be alright, Stan," Kyle assured.

"I don't kn-know," said Stan, "That... was the... the stupidest thing I've ever... heard."

"I know, Stan, I know. But you have to pull through! You are stronger than this! Besides, you are starting to sound like Tweak."

"Oh Stan you are such a pussy!" said Cartman, "It is not a stupid idea! In fact, my plan is about to begin."

Cartman pulled out what appeared to be a detonator of some sort. Everyone in the cafeteria looked on with a look of surprise and horror. "You see this, Stan?" Cartman said as he put his tubby finger near the trigger button, "This is going to be the moment that the ultimate terror begins: having to drink coffee from those crappy foam cups."

"Cartman, you can't be serious!" said Kyle.

"Or am I? You see, earlier today I placed the last of the explosive charges in the last of the cups. The ones in the teachers lounge."

"Oh really? Wait... what do you mean the "last of?''"

"You see, Kyle. I already began my plan before we went to school today. I was up all night putting the cherry bombs in all coffee mugs in this part of Colorado."

"Wait, how the hell did you do that in all one night?"

"Doesn't matter, Kyle. Soon everyone will have to buy new mugs... from me! Because no one likes the foam cups, Kyle. Nobody."

Cartman's finger raced for the trigger. Many of the kids jumped on him and tried to wrestle the detonator away. But it was no use. Cartman's finger had finally hit the trigger as the evil young boy laughed in horrible glee.

-Meanwhile: Teachers Lounge-

The South Park Elementary staff unpacked their lunches and discussed common topics such as the school's budget and the behavior of students. Principal Victoria grabbed her designated mug and filled it with hot fresh coffee from the coffee maker. Mr. Mackey and Mr. Garrison waited in line behind her.

"There's something I don't like about these mugs," said Mr. Garrison pretending to be Mr. Hat.

"Well I don't see anything wrong with it!" Mr. Garrison replied to his other persona, "All I see is a nice round red thing inside. Must be a new sweetener."

"But we did not order any new sweeteners!" said Principal Victoria. All of a sudden her coffee mug exploded in her hand, sending hot steaming liquid flying everywhere. Soon all the other mugs exploded, Shrapenel and coffee bombarded all the occupants of the room.

In the aftermath the staff dusted themselves off. Mr. Garrison shrieked in horror to find the Mr. Hat puppet all stained in coffee. "No!" he screamed, "Mr Hat! No!"

"This is bad. M'kay." said Mr. Mackey.

Principal Victoria picked up the remains of a detonated explosive device. "Remote detonated cherry bombs" she said.

"Looks like someone's been screwin around," said Mr. Adler.

-Meanwhile: Tweak's house-

Mr. Tweak was speaking with his son, Tweak Tweak because he had not gone to school that day.

"Why did you not go to school today, son?" asked Mr. Tweak.

"Agh, augh. They are after me, dad! Christ!"

"Who is after you, son?"

"Everyone! Terrorists! Pedophiles! The Underpants Gnomes! And Hollywood!"

Mr Tweak rested his hand on his son's shoulder. He poured a cup of coffee and held it in front of him and Tweak. "Now listen, son. It sounds like you need a nice cup of coffee. Sweet fresh american coffee. It's like heaven in a cup with it's creamy taste and the warm feeling it creates inside..."

Mr. Tweak was cut off when no other than his coffee cup exploded spilling hot coffee all over his crotch. He jumped up screamed in pain while running around. "Jesus fucking christ! Get it off get it off!"

-Meanwhile: Elsewhere-

Throughout all of South Park and the surrounding area, more coffee mugs shattered into millions of pieces and many more crotches were scoured.

Mayor McDaniels' coffee mug exploded on her desk, leaving a black puddle that engulfed her papers.

A trucker transporting coffee mugs stopped the vehicle after hearing popping noises in the back. He opened the back of his truck only to see the shipment of cups exploding one by one.

-Later-

Later that night, an emergency meeting at the town hall was held. The residents of south park were all gathered in front of city hall, either afraid or worried. The crowd was nervously chatting among itself awaiting to hear of a solution to the latest problem in South Park.

Mayor McDaniels came up to the podium with her two bodyguards behind her. She cleared her throat and adjusted the mic.

"Thank you all for coming, everyone," she said, "As you know. We are currently experiencing a coffee mug crisis."

"Yeah!" shouted a man in the crowd, "Now I have to drink coffee out of those cheap foam cups!"

The enraged crowd erupted in agreement.

"Foam cups suck!" said another man.

The enraged crowd once again erupted in agreement. Then the crowd started going "rackle rackle rackle!"

"Surveillance footage shows that this is no other than the work of Eric Cartman!" said Mayor McDaniels as a black and white image of Eric Cartman placing the charges was projected on the screen behind her.

The crowd dramatically gasped in initial surprise. "Wait, why are we surprised about this!?" asked one of the people in the crowd.

"Yeah, that Cartman boy has been nothing but trouble!" said another man.

The enraged crowd once again erupted in agreement. Once again going "rackle rackle rackle!"

Once the crowd calmed down, Jimbo stepped up. "How about this?" said Jimbo, "We ban Eric Cartman from South Park. No, we ban him from the entire state of Colorado, for life!"

"Agreed," said Jimbo's partner Ned in his electronic voice.

The crowd yet again erupted in agreement and shouted "rackle rackle rackle!" Mayor McDaniels was fed up with Cartman herself. The little fat boy had caused enough trouble around the town, and she's had enough.

"That does it!" said Mayor McDaniels, "For once you people are right! He committed theft, he committed fraud, he made Scott Tenerman eat his parents, and he got Santa shot down and tourtured in Iraq. But THIS is the final straw! I am taking this to the Governor!"

The crowd cheered in joy, once again going "rackle rackle rackle!"

All of a sudden a limousine pulled in front of the city hall. Out stepped a short man with black hair and a suit followed by two men wearing shades. The man walked up to the podium beside the mayor.

"Who's that?" Stan asked.

"I think that's the governor," said Kyle.

"Hello everyone," said the man, "I'm Governor Reiss, the Governor of Colorado! And I heard all about your silly little problem!"

"Governor Reiss?" said Stan, "Who the hell is he?"

"How the hell should I know?" said Kyle, "He just showed up right now."

"As your governor who was elected five terms," said the governor, "I came to seek to your Cartman issue personally."

The whole crowd cheered for the governor.

"He was elected five terms?" asked Kyle.

"Well I don't remember any of that!" said Stan.

"Me either," said Kyle.

Kenny gave out a muffled "yeah".

"Well as long as he gets rid of the fatass I'm fine with it," said Kyle.

Kenny and Stan agreed.

"Here's my proposal..." said governor Reiss as he was about to give his outlandish proposal to the people of South Park.

-later that night-

Eric Cartman was in the basement of his house trying to make clay coffee mugs on his mother's pottery wheel. The "mug" looked really shitty, and could be easily mistaken for a kindergartner's volcano for a school project.

Ms. Cartman walked down the stairway. "Oh Eric," she said in her soft voice.

"Not now mom!" said Eric Cartman, "I have to get 200,000 coffee mugs made by tomorrow!"

"Oh I'm sorry Eric," said Ms. Cartman, "But I thought you should know that you won a free week long trip to the Bahamas all by yourself."

Cartman stopped what he was doing when he heard what was to him wonderful news. He ran around the basement in joy. He did not know how he had won the trip nor did he care. He was just happy he was going to the Bahamas all by himself. He then stopped in the middle of his run. "So when do I go, mom!?"

"You fly out of Kansas tomorrow at noon. You better pack your things now dear."

"Yes mom," said Cartman.

-Next Morning-

The sun was just starting to rise over the horizon. The night's chill was still fresh in the air. Despite this, there was an odd number of townspeople out on the streets. Cartman did not pay any attention to the anomaly. He was too excited to go.

Ms. Cartman started her car and called for her son. "Come on, Eric, you don't want to miss your flight."

"Coming mom!"

Eric enthusiastically ran out the door carrying two suitcases and slammed the door behind him. He tossed the suitcases into the trunk and hopped in the passenger seat. The car pulled out of the driveway and went down the street as the townspeople looked on. Some even followed.

The car finally crossed the city limits, officially leaving South Park. The townspeople suddenly burst out into cheer. Streamers and confetti fell onto the street from seemingly nowhere.

The adults drank booze and a marching band appeared and marched down Main Street. Everyone danced and celebrated even harder as the day went on. Stores had major sales, and there was even a Ferris wheel.

The celebrations lasted into the night when a huge fireworks display lit up the night. Among the fireworks display Mayor McDaniels and governor Reiss spoke from town hall. Some of the townspeople gathered the listen.

"Today is a wonderful day for South Park," said McDaniels, "today marks the day we no longer have to put up with Eric Cartman!"

"It's a wonderful day for Colorado indeed," said governor Reiss, "This day forth will official be known as No Cartman Day!"

The crowd cheered. Stan, Kyle, and Kenny were in the crowd clapping with grins on their faces. "I still don't know where the hell this governor Reiss guy came from," said Stan, "but he gt rid of Cartman, got to give him that."

"Agreed," said Kyle remembering all the times Cartman insulted him for being a Jew, "Much agreed."

"It was worth spending 1,000 dollars of taxpayer money just to get the lard ass out of here, wasn't it?" Mayor McDaniels asked the governor.

"Actually, I uh, spent more than that..." replied governor Reiss.

Mayor McDaniels suddenly became less enthusiastic. "Uh, what do you mean?" she asked.

Reiss put on a construction hard hat. "Let's not waste time, it's time to get to work boys!"

Suddenly a whole bunch of heavy construction equipment rolled onto the scene, bringing concrete and metal framework. The construction workers began to immediately begin work on the unknown massive project.

"What's... This?" McDaniels asked.

"Oh, you see," said Reiss, "To keep Cartman out for good we are walling off the north half of Colorado and the surrounding area. Including parts of Wyoming, Utah, and Kansas. We are now our own sovereign state and I now have total control and will rule from our new capital in Wyoming! Unfortunately the U.S. government wouldn't let us have anything south of South Park so you guys will be on the outer wall. Sorry."

The crowd stared with their mouths open.

"Don't you think this is a little extreme, Governor?" asked McDaniels, "We only asked for Cartman to be kicked out of the state. We didn't ask to wall off a chunk of the western U.S."

"And why not?" asked Reiss.

"Well it seems you've gone mad with power," said McDaniels, "I mean, he's just an 8 year old kid."

"Mad with power? Maybe I have. But why shouldn't I? Are we all not a little mad?" The governor then began to run around acting like a chicken. He chickened his way to his limo and it drove off.

Mayor McDaniels facepalmed. "What a douchebag," she said, "How does he keep getting reelected?"

Kyle, Stan, and Kenny could not believe what was happening. They walked home, still in shock, as the massive construction went on around them.

"Dude, I can not believe this is happening!" said Kyle, "Walling us off from the rest of the world? Is this new governor insane!?"

"Well, look on the bright side," said Stan, "At least we never have to see Cartman ever again."

"Yeah, I guess you are right..."

Stan looked around anxiously. He seemed as if he was looking for someone in particular.

"Who are you looking for? Wendy?" Kyle asked.

"Nah, my parents," said Stan, "Normally they are out when the town makes a huge fuss likes this. My dad is usually one of the guys who shouts out a stupid idea or goes along with it."

"Oh, I see. Maybe they are at home."

The three boys walked past Stan's house. All the lights in the house were on. Stan shrugged it off and went into the house. "I will see you guys tomorrow," said Stan as he shut the door behind him.

Kenny and Kyle returned to their own homes.

-One Week Later-

Eric Cartman exited the plane that had just arrived from the Bahamas wearing a flower shirt, straw hat, shades, and sunglasses carrying his luggage and souvenirs. He boarded the bus that he thought would take him back to the South Park area. The bus dropped him off 10 miles away from town and he began to hike back.

"That was so awesome!" said Cartman as he walked toward town, "I can't wait to tell the guys all about it and rub it in Kyle's face!"

Cartman walked into a massive shadow that covered the area around him like a blanket, failing to notice the abnormality. The little fat boy whistled. Cartman then finally noticed the huge shadow around him and looked up to see it's source. He found himself gazing up at a massive wall that blocked his path.

"Hey!" he said, "What the hell is this!?"

"It's a wall fatass!"

Cartman saw Kyle, Kenny, and Stan all standing on top of the wall looking down on him.

"We have had it with you, Cartman!" said Kyle, "They built this wall to keep YOU out!"

"In addition, the skies above the walled area are a no-fly zone and all traffic and telecommunications in and out are restricted!" said Stan, "You are not getting in here! Ever!"

"Yeah," said Kyle, "You can be an asshole to us NO MORE!"

"What!" said Cartman as he pounded the gate furiously, "You can't do this to me! Let me in Kyle you fucking Jew!"

"Sorry Cartman," said Kyle, "But not this time! This time you have lost for good!"

"I will make you eat your parents!" Cartman threatened Kyle.

"Yeah right, Cartman," said Kyle, "With these walls in place you can not do shit to us!"

"Then I will make giant clones of myself and make THEM eat your parents!" Cartman threatened again.

"I'd like to see you try, Cartman," said Kyle. The three boys walked out of Cartman's sight. The fat boy pounded on the gate while screaming curse words and insults.

"I will kill all of you!" Cartman shouted, "Do you hear me!?"

-Later: Dr. Alphonse Mephesto's Laboratory outside of the wall-

Dr. Alphonse Mephesto walked Cartman through the hallways of his new laboratory located in southern Colorado outside of the walled territory. Cartman looked at Dr. Alphonse Mephesto's four-assed creations.

"I understand you came to see me, Cartman?" said Dr. Alphonse Mephesto.

"Well, duh!" said Cartman, "Why else would I be here?"

"I take it you must be a little sore after being kicked out of your home and barricaded off. Frankly, I was outside when they put the walls up so I had to come to this new laboratory. They wouldn't let me into the walls of course."

"I see," said Cartman.

"It's technically your fault so I should be pissed off at you," Mephesto stated, "But I'm not the kind who gets pissed off plus you gave me 500 dollars. Now what can I do for you, my lad?"

"Remember when you made that clone of Stan who was stupid, deformed, pissed off, and everything?" Cartman asked.

"Ah yes. I suppose you want me to make you a pet or something," Dr. Alphonse Mephesto said.

"No, Retard! I want you to make me a stupid deformed clone!" said Cartman, "But this time make it so it is only intelligent enough to respect my authoritah! And my authoritah only! Make a few thousand of these clones, actually. And make them anywhere between 5-15 meters tall please."

"Oh I am afraid I can not do that, Eric," Mephesto, "That would be playing god."

"What are you talking about!? You play god all the time!"

"Good point. Plus I am going to need 500 more dollars," Dr. Alphonse Mephesto said.

Cartman sighed and gave Mephesto the money.

"And we are going to need a lot of stem cells. and a type of rare stem cell if we want to make the clones you desire, and I am talking about the kind of stem cells you can't find in aborted fetuses" Mephesto said.

"Jesus Christ man!" said Cartman, "Where the hell are we going to get these "special" Stem Cells and quickly?!"

"Well there is one way, but it is considered inhumane..."

"Just do it!" Cartman shouted.

"I'm going to charge you 500 more dollars if you want me the cross the line we are about to cross," said Mephesto.

"Fine fine!" Cartman said as he handed Mephesto another 500 dollars. "But this better be damn worth it!"


End file.
